To All the Students Who Passed/Failed Before

(Get it- To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before)


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Stephanee Hartfield, Staffer

Subject: We got BEEF

Hi there testers, it is finals… not just one final, but all your finals teamed up to make one meta final. We know you do not like us and frankly you don’t butter our croissants either. Do you know what it feels like to constantly be the center of the most negative conversations known to man(or at least pubescent teens)? 

Pu-bes-cent~ Relating to or denoting the person at or approaching the age of puberty. Some of you all will need that.

Well, them’s was fighting words and today we’re going to let you in on what we’ve gone through for the last 2-600 years. Put your dukes up because It’s. About. To. Go. Down. TONIGHT.

 We spend days preparing ourselves for the spotlight, making questions, picking out answers, and checking them twice. All that time getting dolled up only for you students to complain about our makeup. Students love to blame us for questions that were “too hard” or that they weren’t prepared. Let me map out a scenario for you; your teachers tell you up to months before we’re even born that finals are coming, yet you’re the ones unprepared. Where does self-responsibility come into play in this situation? How is it OUR fault that you wait till the day before your finals to cram study, which in turn keeps you up past midnight, causing sleep-deprivation, and a lowered possibility of passing your exam? It’s simple cause and effect people, you all should know that by now.

Don’t even get me started on the multiple different avenues of procrastination that’s been invented. I know exactly how this goes, you’ll open your computer, login, then walk away. First you must eat, then you take a lap around your house, and go bother your family for 5 minutes.

Finally, you’ve made it back to your room and start the walk to your lonesome computer but skip over it and go straight to your cellular device. Next thing you know you’ve fallen down a TikTok hole, you’ve seen Charli D’Amelio do the Renegade 17 times, there’s a trail of slobber on the side of your face leading to your collarbone, and you haven’t blinked in 5 hours. Tell us, how does it feel to be brain dead at such a young age?

Finals are the most unappreciated tests given to high schoolers to date. We must sit on a table for hours while you scratch, stab, and erase us. Not to mention the water spills, the tearing, and even being dropped or stepped on. We prepare for final season like it’s war. We hug our families goodbye and transfer money in case anything happens. Very few of us leave your classrooms the way we entered. Our only hope is that you keep your germs to yourself. Some of you even fall asleep on us and you teenagers produce copious amounts of drool.

Needless to say, after all that we got mad. We started making the questions harder and sometimes putting two correct answers, but only counting one right. We also encouraged multiple other tests to do the same. It was paradise for a while, until you all started failing… and we almost lost our jobs. Let’s face it, we’ve had a tough year in 2020, us more than you, but that’s besides the point. We never wanted to cause as much distress as we have throughout the year. Our soul purpose was inspiration, to highlight what you’re good at and let you know what needs work. We’re (slightly) sorry that we lost sight of that before, but we’re back to do our job right.

We hope that you ace every single final that comes your way, we encourage you to remember to study with sites like Quizlet and Khan Academy, we plead you NOT to wait until the night before to study for all your tests (trust us, it’s not possible), DO, DON’T CHEAT, and if push comes to shove and you’ve disappointed your family name, blame it on Covid 2020 and MOVE ON!

See ya next year,